I am Talker97.
You know this, not because you have just read the sentence above, but because you can sense it.
I have a twin.
His name is Talker96.
And I will destroy him and all that he loves.
Why?
In due time my friends, in due time.
All will be revealed.
All will be held accountable.
And all will be over.
I am Talker97.
Enjoy.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend about my plan to kill Talker96, and he asked when was the last time I actually saw my twin brother, and if I just sat and talked, would I still plan to kill him?
The simple answer, the one I gave my friend, is that I have not seen my brother in years, at least since I was seven years old. As for the plan to kill? Most definitely, I’d shake his hand and stab him in the eye while my trained Prairie Dogs took out his legs.
As for the difficult answer…the truth is, I can no longer remember when I last saw my brother……my twin. If it could be, then I would grasp my brother’s arm and tell of how I’ve missed him and our parents. Then I would riddle him with questions. Asking all sorts of things regarding family that I have never known. Finally, as the day wore on, we would laugh and cheer at having finally found that missing piece of joy that we knew was gone from our lives…our bond of a brother. Alas…..if it could be.
But then I’d kill him.
My German Sheppard has been equipped with a “thought reading mind scan turnelmyer”, which boosts his brainwaves, thus enhancing his inner IQ, thus giving him the power of speech. It’s my own personal design and at times can become quite trying, if only because he become quite the chatterbox.
But he’s a good boy despite the endless stream of gobbledygook that comes from his mouth when he talks, and that’s why I’m requesting that if you see him, would you ask him to come home? He’s been missing since I let him outside yesterday to go to the bathroom. We had an argument about his use of the bathroom in the Lair and he stormed out very angry at me.
I said some things I regret, as I know he did as well, but we are both stubborn and won’t admit when we are wrong. he’s a Black and Grey Male German Shepperd who goes by the name Klaus. He shouldn’t be to hard to miss on account that he will have a rather large and unseemly electronic device strapped to his head.
Oh, and he should be the only dog around that has the ability to speak.
Thanks
I’m sitting at the casa watching a few James Bond flicks and I realize, I don’t have a henchman.
I need a henchman.
I want a henchman.
I deserve a henchman, planning Talker96′s death is hard work. Sometimes I don’t have time to draw up blueprints, test my laser gun or even, take out the trash.
So I put up an ad on Craigslist. Hopefully I’ll get lots of replies and by this time next week…..
I’ll have a henchman.
So as you know, I am a twin. What I mean to say is, I have a brother, and we are twins….Shit, I have a twin brother…Talker96 is my twin…….wait……fuck this is stupid, okay, okay…..
My twin brother is Talker96. Jesus Christ, was that so hard?
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, my great shame is also my greatest weapon.
So I thought.
See, I was going to use the fact that I look like Talker96 and turn it against him. I haven’t really figured out how exactly I was going to do it yet but I just know I was, until today. For some reason, I thought it would be fun to try and impersonate him while going to the bank he frequents. I’ve been watching him and I think I have his movements down so I was confident that I could pull it off.
I failed to do one thing though. Copy his style of dress.
See, Talker96 has more of a dated fashion sense as opposed to my Gothic, inner demons and darkness style. He’s likes fitted suits, I like mascara on my left eye.
So that plan is shot. Now I gotta come up with something new.
I fuckin hate 96…
Lately I’ve been looking for a place to set up my evil plan of destruction for Talker96, but I just can’t find anything.
It’s not for a lack of trying though. It seems as if I’ve been to every underground cave, man made ocean rig, hovering island city in the sky or laser equipped battle fortified castle that is out there, but none seem to call out my name saying “you’re home 97″. I need a place that screams death and turmoil but isn’t so scary as to bring a lady friend on the weekends. Is that to much to ask?
Oh well.
Came across this poster in my closet the other day and thought to my self,
maybe Robots are the answer to my riddle,
of how to destroy Talker96
I’m at Wal-Mart, the headquarter shopping destination for all criminal masterminds, and I’m in the checkout line waiting on the cashier to change registers with the cashier in waiting, when suddenly I spot a laser pointer key-chain. Now, what they teach you in Mastermind college of Minnesota is that the laser pointer key chain is the deadliest of all key-chains, and in the right hands they can be used to destroy the universe.
So I bought one. Gotta love those impulse buys, $2.99. Can’t be beat.
I will be making a checklist tomorrow on how to destroy Talker96. It should be fun so come check it out. I’ll buy sodas for us.
